|Barked: Tue Dec 3, '13 2:59pm PST |
|My Zoe passed away Saturday night after battling a gastric ulcer for 2 wks caused by Mast Cell Cancer. My Zoe was only 11.5 and a min pin x, I thought she would be around forever..I think I actually convinced myself of that. Zoe was my best friend, we grew up together. I found this cute little puppy at the shelter when I was 15, she was always there for me and I her.
Zoe got sick 2 wks ago and I took her to the vet, they said she needed emergency surgery and I decided that wasn't for her, and the vet said she needed hospitalization and would pass that night. I said no I wanted her to die at home with me not strangers. Well imagine my surprise when she was getting better. She continued to improve with some meds, the doctor said she was a miracle and she was out of the woods. She saw the doctor again for a recheck right before thanksgiving and they said she looked great.
So what happened, why would she leave me. I know I said I wanted her to pass at home, I was wrong. I can't help but feel I wasn't there for her, when I woke from her wimper I picked her up and held her tight as she took her last breaths. I feel terrible she was in that floor alone, why not in bed with me. I can not sleep without seeing her laying dying next to my bed. I can't sleep every time I shut my eyes I see her.
During the day I feel like I am on autopilot, I care for the other dogs( tinker is also devastated), we have a foster dog with some behavioral issues and I just want to give up on her, I know that is so terrible and I am trying to push past my disgust for her, it is misplaced and not fair. When my Zoe was passing I brought her to he living room and the pup woke and jumped out of her pen and trampled Zoe causes a post mordum gasp of air..it was horrible...not the puppies fault but I feel like because I had to chase her down and clean up her pee she ruined my goodbye...again I know that is stupid and unfair to the pup.
I have to hold it together during the day because I have two small kiddos( 6,2.5) they are sad too, but don't understand as well. We picked Zoe's ashes up and I said when we got there I am here to pick up Zoe and my 2 yr old was so excited until they brought me a bag, and she started crying and saying she was her Zoe. They are so innocent and ask so many questions and I answer them, but it gets hard to answer some of them, I let them say goodbye too before I took her for cremation, and my older daughter understands she is in heaven, but at the same time if she sees me cry she says let's get another Zoe...which isn't possible. They have been wanting a puppy for along time and now they are pressing it more because my husband has always said not till one of the others pass.
Once 8pm hits and they are in bed I am able to fall apart. My eyes hurt, my brain hurts, my heart hurts. I see Zoe every where, my bed is so empty without her, I hate seeing her empty food bowl and anything that reminds me of her. I love my Tinker pie, but even she isn't the same without Zoe, it has always been Zoe, Tinker, and I.
I have always tried to do what is right for her, the best veterinary medicine, best food, best supplements, love, excerise...why did I lose her so young, I know life isn't fair, but this sucks. I have to continue being a good mom and dog owner but it is hard right now..it has only been 2 days, but with my husband deployed I just can't be down for much longer..I have to pull myself together for everyone else, but without Zoe it is all so hard.
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