|Chance - I miss you- so much.|
|Barked: Sat Dec 10, '11 10:10pm PST |
|I apologize for the long story, but I really wanted to talk about it.
We had to put down our baby girl, Chance, today. It was so hard. Incredibly hard. We only adopted her four months ago and it has felt like years that we've known her. I really don't know how to handle this because she was my baby and I love her more than words could ever describe. I was so excited to spend my first Christmas with her, and Christmas is a huge deal to me.
A few weeks ago, Chance started having diarrhea and we tried to fix that with some medicine. Even after we finished the medicine, she continued to have some diarrhea for another few days, so last week, we decided to go back to the vet and they gave us more medicine for her GI tract. The antibiotics were so strong, and when she was on it, she started vomiting at least once. Then this week came and she was just so weak and lost almost all of her appetite from the antibiotics, we were told to take her off it and start again when she was feeling better. Well, barely a day passed without her on the medicine, and she vomited again. The day after, she was having so much trouble just getting up from laying down, she was whimpering. She was struggling so bad. We assumed it was just her recovering from the antibiotics, but it still really hurt to see her like that. This happened again the next day - vomited and struggled to get up. So, on Friday, we had to take her to the vet. She got blood work and x-rays done. Two months ago, when she got this, she was normal. On Friday, a tumor showed up around her liver area and possibly another one around her chest and her blood was abnormal. We had to take her to an emergency hospital to get it checked out and to possibly have surgery on it. Friday night, the emergency doctor said there was fluid around her stomach or liver area and that if the mass was only on the spleen, they would do surgery. That gave me incredible hope that she would make it. On Saturday morning, they did an ultrasound on her and after hours of waiting, the doctors came to talk to us and said the worst case scenario happened with her. The tumor was on her spleen, but they noticed several masses on her liver and there was more fluid floating around from something bleeding internally. They said that even if they performed surgery on just the spleen, the MAX amount of life left would be 6 months. If it hadn't been on the liver, they would go for surgery and do chemo for her after, but because it was on the liver as well, they couldn't remove the liver. They also said something about metastatic cancer, but to be honest, I couldn't understand at this point. They said if there was anything at all they could do, they would, but when this happens to dogs, it's nearly impossible for it to get better. Even if her bleeding did stop, it would happen again at a later point. And she was just so, so, so weak to do anything. Despite how weak she was, though, when we said goodnight to her the night we admitted her and good morning the next morning, she struggled to get up and hug and kiss us. She was the sweetest,friendliest, most well-behaved dog I have ever known and I am so lucky to have been able to call her mine.
It was such a hard decision, but we decided to put her down today - not even 24 hours after she was admitted. And not even after Christmas. And my heart just hurts so much. I was so prepared to spend Christmas with her. In the past year, I have lost 3 people who mean so much to me, including her, and I don't know what to do.
How do others deal with this? It's even more haunting because I was in the room with her when they put her down. I did it because I wanted her to be able to see and hear me while she was going. And it was honestly just the saddest thing. I will miss everything about her. My house doesn't feel the same anymore and it was a struggle to leave my bed. I haven't stopped crying. I honestly keep thinking that I should have taken her to the vet to get her blood work and x-rays done much sooner because I thought I noticed something different about her belly. And I can't stop beating myself up for it.
RIP Chance, my boo-boo, my baby. We love you so much. I love you so much. You can be as lazy as you want up there and Ye-Ye and Ma-Ma will take good care of you. I love you so much, boo-boo. Miss you.
Edited by author Sat Dec 10, '11 10:53pm PST
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