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The Waiting Game

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Crazy Sadie- Lady

Im a SD and- proud of it so- there!!!!
 
 
Barked: Thu Apr 11, '13 5:44pm PST 
Yeah!... You read it right and I bet you are thinking I am going to talk about something that has already been talked to death...
No... Jeesh!!! God No... Ok this is the thing it is sad yes when a good friend of your's parent is termaly ill. I know it is a sad subject (I told you so)Well this is what I am telling you my Landlord friends Mo had cancer and she just passed away last night. Yeah it was a long and short (very short) path down that road. I know I am being a lil vage. Just I guess I am having a hard time processing this thing. I've known the woman a better part part of my life or worse part too. Yes I am a lil emotional confused more then normal I guess. She and I (My Landlord friend that is) have been talking this week off and on (when she was here that is and not with here mom (doing the death waiting game). She mentioned witch sorta made me feel a lil hurt (I don't think she was trying to hurt me) but she made a hurtful commet about Sadie and her not being a SD... she knows how I struggle and fight with people who say that stuff to me and how the guy out back of here was saying that too. I did not correct her and just said I guess you would see her as a glorified Pet. I am sure that would not be what a lot of you would do but I did not feel it was a time to have a deep conversation with her when she is waiting for her mom to die. The waiting Game I guess that is all I can call it my self. She was a very strong and kind woman and she helped my friend at her pizza store here every monday since I have been living here. I am angry I guess... Angry, I guess it is hard to describe Angry and not knowing why... I have been this way for months now and just not sure what to do about it and then again just feeling helpless about it. Knowing in my head there really isn't anything you can do. It was like really fast but in slow motion to. It was like yesterday that she is telling me that her mom was sick with the cancer and stage 4 but that she was going to get the radiation treatment and stuff. We talked about the homeopathic stuff and all that and then she just started going down hill then last night she passed. I don't know if any one of you believe this but we "she and I" My friend and I believe in ghost and stuff, she think her mom is going to be with her father now. Her sister thought may be yesterday she saw their Dad in the room with their mom. I don't know but I did tell I would not be surprised I have read that you are guided in to heaven by your Loved ones Or (in to the after life) Witch ever you all out there believe. She did say it herself (their mom) that she wanted to see her mom that she lost when she was 17yrs. and her husband. So I believe that she was able to do that after she let go of this earthly life. I guess the hardest part of this all was the Waiting game we had to play when you know all is done and there is no more to do other then wait. I have lost a lot of family through tragedy and illness. I have been through a couple fuenerals that I feel were to sinceless to talk about. When is death
sincable at all? I don't think many will say or answer that one.
So I guess I sit here thinking about all this and I just feel it was just a long waiting game and now it is over and she wont be here every monday anymore. That is all there is to it and I am sad,Mad and frustrated.... I am angry cause someone so nice is gone that is all. I have been angry so long ever since I herd that she was sick, I guess. I really don't know why I am angry all the time...
Is it cause there was nothing that could be done or is I just am angry that she had to suffer before she had peace. It just seems to be sinceless and I am Angry.... That is it I am angry at all the waitng and sinclessness. I know I am 50 year old and of course people die and dying is a personal thing and can be a lonely journey. I maybe angry about that I don't know Just it seems I have been this way for so long and I just don't know why. I don't like anyone I am angry I want to Punch something or someone... really I just feel like I am tyered of being angry at stuff I don't know why I am angry at that I have no control over. I read on FB today someone stated the AA prayer about wizdom and and curage and all that. And I am angry.... Hummm, Guess I can have some wizdom and curage and even since enough to know that I was not suppose to save her or have the ability to do so "IT WAS JUST HER TIME!" Angry and frustrated again, YES !!! I know I am not suppose to have the Powers to save her... ( you know I am telling myself this but it is not getting through I am still angry andI don't know how not to be right now. And the waiting is over she is at peace but when I thought that I can sigh a relief... I am still angry frustrated and just waiting. is there any since to this.
I guess if someone told me it made since I still would not feel OK.
And just saying it will be ok When really it isn't OK. Someone very good dyed! I guess I am just going to wait and see if it passes and I will get back to being myself again. Yeah another WAITING game......
eekeek
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Crazy Sadie- Lady

Im a SD and- proud of it so- there!!!!
 
 
Barked: Fri Apr 12, '13 2:34pm PST 
The funeral will be wensday I think I have desided not to go I just can't do that. She knows I am on her side and there for her though. I don't think I would be able to take Sadie and feel out of place with out her. I am just going to try to get back to myself cause that is the best i can do for us both.
I think it will help Sadie too.
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Crazy Sadie- Lady

Im a SD and- proud of it so- there!!!!
 
 
Barked: Sun Apr 14, '13 7:02pm PST 
This is Sad My friend Lost her mom(she died of the cancer she had been diognosed with this last week. They won't be barring her till May. Her son is in the county Jail till latter this month.
This is the waiting game I was talking about. We play this game a thousand times in our life and ask
ourself Why we do it or why have to do so. I am feeling anxitous about this cause it is like I remember how it was a few years back when My gram died I have had a few people in my family die. I guess you would say a few too many. I just feel for my friend I am not going cause I don't feel that I could bring Sadie.
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Crazy Sadie- Lady

Im a SD and- proud of it so- there!!!!
 
 
Barked: Wed Apr 17, '13 1:23pm PST 
I guess there are no people that have had to deal with this sorta waitng game I was just talking to her people that work at the store for her. She has mentioned a few times about leasing out the store so she did not have to work it on her own. They are thinking it might be something that they could do and then it would free her to do something she would love. She has not come back form dealing with her mom's death yet she is taking a lil time off form it and know one here is pushing her to come back till she is ready they want her to take her time. So that part is a good thing. Though I am worried since she useually is the one who takes me to the bank so I can get cash for my rent. She likes to have the cash cause it cost her money to run it through her credit card thingy majig. But I don't want her to come in just to do that. She really needs sometime to deal with her mothers death. I guess her brother did not make it up here for the first part of it all.
They can't burrie her till may though so I think he won't be up till then.
The waiting game again... we spend more time waiting for things or people in our lifetime and now the furneral home is making her wait to be buried that is a altra waiting I have ever heard of.
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Crazy Sadie- Lady

Im a SD and- proud of it so- there!!!!
 
 
Barked: Thu Apr 18, '13 4:43pm PST 
She maybe coming back soon I don't know I really wish she could be OK but in reality I know she will not be ok. I am loosing a dear worker I have had for a while and it is hard for me to adjust to changes and my friend loosing her mom(a mom I also Have known for a while now) lets me know that change happen weather we like it or not and it sometimes happens even when no fault of anyone. Some of this is a waiting game that we just have to deal with the adjustment. To night I was told I was unfeeling and cold cause I told a mentally challenged person that I did not care about him and he could just drop dead. I know this sounds cruel but the person is someone the town seems to pamper so much that I am tyried of being told I have to fallow same suit. I wont and I don't feel bad cause I tell it as I feel fit to tell it when that person gets in my face. I am not going to feel ashamed of being mean or dishearted about. I don't feel it is healthy for people to spoil or soften life for anyone even someone who is mentally challenged (since this person is highly functioned enough to make his own way through life). I know this too sounds mean but it is very true and it is getting really out of hand to the point said person got in my face and told me how to handle my friend (that I have known a good deal of my life.) I am not going to take a repramand either no matter who it is. I told someone tonight too just that. So If she tells my friend that I told a mentally ill person to bug out of my face in a not so nice way then she can go right a head. I am sure it will be brought up.
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Crazy Sadie- Lady

Im a SD and- proud of it so- there!!!!
 
 
Barked: Fri Apr 26, '13 6:38pm PST 
I just feel I am venting here more then anything at life....
I know it really dose not make since to vent at life or the circle of life, but it still feels like
life really sucks after you see how people that you know and have come to love die.
Strong people you think that would win any battle I am still just being there for my friend she seems to be getting back in to the cycle of life but I don't think her heart is in to it.
This is the waiting game that I have been ranting about she wont be able to burry her mom till
next month and that is really the hardest part for family that have lost someone.
I remember someone once said to me that the hardest thing in life is not the dying but the Waiting. I think it is all the waiting that we do in life inline, doing things or waiting on things to happen. It is a really pain when life is just a waiting game.
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